Looking back on all that changed in 2008, I am truly amazed and grateful for what has become of my life and for all that I have created in it. It was truly the best year ever, and I know my life is only going to get better and better.
It was the year I finally stopped going to doctors (after years of conflicting assessments, incorrect diagnoses, people who wouldn't listen when I told them something physical was wrong with me) and took my health into my own hands and healed myself. Raw foods was the gift I was finally ready to receive and accept after it cropping up in my life numerous times throughout the years. It was the enabler that allowed my body to heal itself and regain balance. It was the year I let go of a false sense of dis-empowering self, and really learned that we each truly have an abundance of power to create our lives exactly how we want them.
It was the year that I stopped accepting jobs that were less than what I really, truly deserve. I let go of my fear of being broke and this false idea that I should "just accept any job that comes because you're lucky to be working at all" and turned down jobs that were not aligned with my soul's purpose. Some people thought I was crazy and judged my actions, but they were generally the ones who accepted any old job and were never happy with their work because they were limiting themselves. My first steps were to stop accepting jobs that paid less than what I was worth and fight for the salaries I deserved, but eventually this was not acceptable to my soul and I knew I needed to not worry about money, that it would come so long as I was following my soul's purpose. I felt the calling to work with raw food and nourish community and heal others, and slowly began to manifest this reality and make it mine. What an amazing journey it has been!
It was also the year that I began to make an effort to really change my long held views on money. I began to acknowledge that my thoughts are really powerful, and that my views that money was scarce, that I had to work super hard for it to have it, or that it was the cause of so many problems in the world were all false and were the reason why I experienced a scarcity of money in my life, the condition of working too hard, and problems relating to money. When I began to let go of those beliefs, I got fired from my job and was able to not stress as much about money as I would have a year ago. And the more I challenged it, the more I was able to create an inflow of money and opportunity into my life. It is slow right now, but it is growing larger and larger each day, and I no longer have a doubt in my mind that it will come to me because I am doing good things to build community and provide things of value. Value creation is the most important part of creating a sustainable income. Your soul does not know junk, so that path will eventually lead to...junk.
It was the year where I stopped putting energy into friendships that I felt held me back from achieving my true potential, and made room for the new loving, positive ones I have now that pushed me to be the best me. I didn't know what would come of it, I just knew that I would rather have fewer friends I loved and that loved me than a bunch of the unsatisfying relationships that left me frustrated and unsatisfied.
As I deepened on my healing path, it became harder and harder for me to have people in my life who who refused to deal with their own issues. I am not sure if it was the lack of support I felt in those friendships, or their inability to relate to me and me to them, or just me feeling like I did not have enough energy to be around people who were still stuck in that place because I knew no amount of me wishing they weren't stuck there was going to help. I think mostly it was this feeling deep in my gut that at this point in my life, those types of relationships were only holding me back, and I knew I could no longer surround myself with people who did not challenge me and push me to grow, and that I was no longer serving them because I did not know what else to give on my end. You can't make someone deal with something they are not ready to face themselves, so I am sure to them, my pointing out the obvious was just scary and echoed their fears and made them feel awful, and I didn't want anyone to feel that way. Everyone grows at a different pace, and sometimes that requires us to let go of some relationships and weed our gardens a bit. So I cut the ties and let go of fear, not knowing that doing so would create room for more beautiful, loving relationships that confronted me with challenges daily and pushed me to be the most positive, loving, compassionate person I could be. By trimming the fat, and cutting things out of my life, I was actually manifesting everything I needed and desired. I am deeply grateful for the changes that came into my life as soon as I was finally ready to let go to some things I had been holding onto too long, and all the new people this attracted into my life. You have all been a huge blessing, and if I had not let go of my fear to hold onto friendships just for the sake of history or loyalty, I would have not met the people I have met. It's only when we are ready to risk it all that we truly discover all that we are.
It was the year when I chose to look deep within myself and actively discover who I could really be if I tried. Over the past several years when my health was getting worse, I was gaining weight and my acne was beginning to resemble a chain of volcanic islands, I was growing more and more fatigued, experiencing brain fogs, and severe mood swings, I began to stop seeing myself because when I tried to look at myself, I did not like what I saw. I was an emotional roller coaster of a mess, my face was puffy, I was overweight and felt like there was a second person covering the real me, and the happy shining person I once was seemed gone. I tried to look deep into my own eyes in the mirror and frantically search for that spark inside that would allow me to recognize myself, but I rarely saw it anymore. The spark was gone, and had been replaced with a dull luster. I knew if I were ever to get it back, I would have to use my imagination to create an image of my mind of the me I wanted to be. Sort of like the me I was before my health went down the drain, except better - this was who I would be when I was able to heal myself of ill health, and work on repairing all the psychological damage my ill health had caused, and let go of all the negative habits, behaviours, and defenses I learned when I was hurting and felt like I was being sucked down a black hole. It was the me I would be when I was actually stepping up and creating my own life, instead of sitting back and victimizing myself and making excuses for why my life was how it was. Yes, my health played a huge role, but I was seeking out information from others, when my body knew the truth all along, better than anyone else. So I was still putting my health and well-being into someone else's hands instead of taking responsibility for it and making it my job to fix it. No wonder I was so disappointed with the results!
We are all blessed beings, full of love and light. We often forget that, and when we do, we end up causing a lot of hurt, putting up blocks, and start believing that we are less - that we are not good enough, that we are incapable, that there is someone to blame, that we don't deserve love or happiness or everything. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all powerful, our thoughts are strong, our words, our actions, and our attitudes...they are all important and through them we create our realities. So here's to manifesting the lives we want and deserve. Here are the things that I am focusing on next in my life. I wouldn't call it a wish list, because they are not wishes - they are things I am focusing my energy on and creating:
I am starting a raw chocolate company.
I am expanding my raw chef base to do retreats and events.
I am buying land and creating an intentional permaculture community that nourishes connection, community and education.
I am having the best life ever, every day.
I am loving my family, friends, community, and every challenge that comes into my life and offers me an opportunity for growth.
I am giving more than I have ever given before, and then some.
